Characters:

• Citizen – Normal Joe, a regular person, skeptical but polite
• Agent – overly enthusiastic government representative with a clipboard and badge

[Scene: A quiet suburban home.  Doorbell rings.]

Citizen: (opens door cautiously)
Yes?

Agent: (smiling too wide)
Good morning!  I’m from the government, and I’m here to help you!

Citizen: (suspicious)
Help me with... what exactly?

Agent:
Everything!  We’ve launched a new initiative: Operation Benevolent Overreach.  It’s designed to improve your life in ways you didn’t ask for.

Citizen:
I see.  And how does it work?

Agent:
First, we’ll need you to complete this 47-page identity verification form.  Then we’ll assess your eligibility for our “Assistance You Didn’t Know You Needed” program.

Citizen:
Sounds... too complicated.

Agent:
Not at all!  We’ve streamlined the process.  You only need to submit your birth Certificate, tax returns from the last 17 years, a DNA sample, and a notarized affidavit from your childhood babysitter.

Citizen:
That’s streamlined?

Agent:
Compared to our last program?  Absolutely.  That one required a time machine and a goat.

Citizen:
I think I’ll pass.

Agent:
Oh, you can’t.  Opting out requires a separate form, a 6-month waiting period, and a mandatory seminar titled “Why You’re Wrong.”

Citizen:
Is this help or a hostage situation?

Agent:
It’s help!  With a touch of administrative coercion.

Citizen:
Right.  Well, I appreciated the visit, but I think I’ll help myself.

Agent:
That’s illegal now.  Self-help violates Section 42-B of the “Don’t Try This at Home” Act.

Citizen:
Of course it does.

Agent: (cheerfully)
Now, shall we begin the paperwork?

[Citizens slowly close the door.  Agent continues smiling through the window.]

Agent:
I’ll be back tomorrow—with more forms!

[Citizen sighs, walks to the kitchen, opens a drawer, and pulls out a form labeled “Government Assistance Opt-Out Request.” He flips it over.  It’s blank.]

Citizen: (muttering)
Figures.

[Suddenly, the lights flicker.  A robotic voice echoes from a hidden speaker.]

Voice:
Unauthorized opt-out attempt detected.  Please remain calm.  A compliance drone is en route.

[Citizen stares at the ceiling.]

Citizen:
I should’ve just signed the goat.

[Phone rings.  Caller ID: “Federal Help Hotline – Mandatory.” Citizen answers.]

Automated Voice:
Thank you for calling the Federal Help Hotline.  If you are experiencing freedom, press 1 to report yourself.
If you are attempting to think independently, press 2 for reeducation.
If you would like to speak to a representative, please hang up.  That option has been discontinued due to budget cuts.

[Citizens hang up.  Drone hums outside the window.]

Citizen:
I miss when help meant cookies and a neighbor with jumper cables.