Lazy and Inconsiderate Husband

“Honey, Get Me a Beer”

Sweetheart, the game’s about to start—code red!  I need a beer, and if you could keep the noise down, that’d be great.  The vacuum sounds like a helicopter landing, and it’s throwing off my game-day focus.

You can vacuum later—after you feed the kids, do the laundry, walk the dogs, and maybe solve climate change.  No rush.

While you’re out walking the dogs, could you swing by the liquor store and grab another six-pack?  Oh, and check the mailbox for my unemployment check.  It’s probably buried under a pile of bills I haven’t opened.

By the time you get back, I’ll be gone—off to the sports bar to catch games #2 and #3, and maybe #4 if my buddies remember to wear pants this time.

The house will be all yours to enjoy with the kids until you head off to your night shift at the hospital.  I know you’ve got a lot going on, so I’ll definitely clean up before I leave.  Or at least move the pizza boxes into a single pile.

Twist Ending with Sarcastic Apology:

Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m sorry…
Sorry, you didn’t marry a professional athlete with a personal chef and a cleaning crew.
But hey, you got me—and I come with free commentary, questionable hygiene, and a lifetime supply of dirty socks.  You’re welcome.