A Satirical Safety Guide for Dangerously Confident
Chapter 1: The Helmet—Your Brain’s Last Line of Defense
Let’s start with the basics. A helmet is not a fashion statement. It’s a plastic apology to your skull for the decisions you’re about to make. If you think helmets are uncool, wait until you’re explaining to the ER nurse why you tried to bunny-hop a curb at 25 mph while texting, and the potential consequences of such a decision.
Pro Tip: If your hairstyle is more important than your brain function, you may already be beyond help.
Chapter 2: Electric Bikes—Because Walking Is for Peasants
Electric bikes are the perfect blend of speed, convenience, and false confidence. They whisper, “You’re basically a motorcycle rider,” while reality screams, “You’re one pothole away from becoming a street pancake.”
Warning: Just because your bike goes 28 mph doesn’t mean you’re legally allowed to reenact Fast & Furious: Suburban Drift. We’re talking about weaving through traffic, ignoring red lights, and treating sidewalks like your personal racetrack. Remember, you’re not Vin Diesel, and this isn’t a movie set.
Chapter 3: Attention-Seeking Behavior and You
Some people wear bright colors for visibility. Others wear them because they want to be noticed. If you’re popping wheelies in traffic while livestreaming, congratulations—you’ve confused safety with showmanship.
Career Tip: If you survive long enough, this behavior may qualify you for a role in politics or reality TV.
Chapter 4: Dumb as Nails—A Lifestyle Choice
We all know someone who thinks helmets are a government conspiracy. They also believe stop signs are “suggestions” and that gravity is negotiable. These are the folks who end up with GoFundMe pages titled “Help Chad Get a New Face.” But hey, at least they’re getting some use out of that GoPro they strapped to their head.
Reminder: Mamma didn’t raise a fool. But if she did, he’s probably riding an electric bike without a helmet, risking serious head injuries, or worse. It’s not just about looking cool; it’s about protecting yourself from the harsh reality of the pavement.
Chapter 5: The Safety Checklist (For People Who Think Helmets Are Optional)
- ✅ Helmet (preferably not made of cardboard)
- ✅ Working brakes (not just wishful thinking)
- ✅ Awareness of surroundings (no, squirrels don’t count)
- ✅ Common sense (rare, but helpful)
- ❌ Ego the size of a Tesla