I don’t know if my confusion is caused by not consuming beer or consuming too much.

 Fake CNN Headlines (Satirical Edition)

• “Nation Divided Over Whether Avocados Are Still Worth It”
• “Breaking: Weather Happens Again, Experts Shocked”
• “Sources Confirm: Man in Ohio Still Doesn’t Understand Crypto”
• “New Study Finds 87% of Americans Tired of Studies”
• “Experts Warn That Thinking for Yourself May Lead to Unscheduled Opinions”
• “Congress Accidentally Solves Problem, Immediately Backtracks”
• “Scientists Discover Link Between Mondays and Existential Dread”
• “Poll: 62% of Viewers Miss When News Was Just News”
• “Breaking: Cat Video Interrupts Serious Segment, Ratings Skyrocket”
• “Economy in Freefall, But Stock Market Up Because Vibes”
•   Sex Sells

Here are a few recent NPR-style headlines I saw (or imagined while consuming my second IPA beer):

• “Local Man Discovers Inner Peace After Accidentally Turning Off News Alerts”
• “Study Finds Americans Increasingly Confused by Lack of Outrage in Headlines”
• “Experts Warn That Thinking for Yourself May Lead to Unpredictable Opinions”
• “Climate Change May Be Accelerated by Heated Political Arguments at Thanksgiving”
• “New App Helps Users Decide What to Feel Based on Tone of Voice in Podcasts”

Here are a few recent NPR-style headlines I saw:

• “Local Man Discovers Inner Peace After Accidentally Turning Off News Alerts”
• “Study Finds Americans Increasingly Confused by Lack of Outrage in Headlines”
• “Experts Warn That Thinking for Yourself May Lead to Unpredictable Opinions”
• “Climate Change May Be Accelerated by Heated Political Arguments at Thanksgiving”
• “New App Helps Users Decide What to Feel Based on Tone of Voice in Podcasts”

Here are a few BBC-style headlines I saw (or imagined while wearing tweed):

• “Global Crisis Unfolds, But Let’s First Look at This Rare Owl in Cornwall”
• “Prime Minister Says Everything Is Fine, Experts Say ‘Define Fine’”
• “Weather Expected to Be Mildly Apocalyptic, Bring a Light Jacket”
• “New Study Finds People Still Confused by Metric System”
• “World Teeters on Brink of Chaos, But Cricket Match Proceeds as Scheduled”

Here are a few CNBC-style headlines I saw (or imagined while panic-refreshing my portfolio):

• “Dow Plunges 800 Points After Fed Chair Sneezes During Interview”
• “Bitcoin Surges 12% After Elon Musk Tweets Cryptic Emoji”
• “Recession Fears Grow as Consumer Confidence Drops to Level of a Sad Houseplant”
• “Analyst Predicts Market Rally If Everyone Just Stops Reading the News”
• “Housing Market Cools Slightly—Now Only Requires One Kidney to Buy a Starter Home”

Here are a few Bloomberg-style headlines I saw (or imagined while pretending to understand bond yields):

• “Global Markets Rally After Investors Decide to Ignore Reality for One More Quarter”
• “Fed Signals Possible Rate Cut If Everyone Promises to Be Cool About It”
• “Tech Stocks Surge as Investors Confuse AI With Actual Intelligence”
• “Housing Affordability Hits New Low, Experts Recommend Living in Spreadsheet”
• “Recession May Be Avoided If We All Just Agree It’s Not Happening”